Let's Try This Again...

On failing, giving up, weeping and restarting

At the beginning of this year, I soft-launched this newsletter, with the intention and promise to those who decided to subscribe to receive bi-weekly posts. Well… the world that was already chaotic got worse. The busyness of life and the mental processing and, let’s be honest, coping became more of a priority than this corner of the internet. Time seemed to have somewhere to be and it felt like I was speed-dating through each month.

As the months kept slipping through my fingers, I started blaming myself for not holding up to my own promises, feeling like I failed. The shame paralyzed me from logging in and picking up from where I left off.

What is there to say or write when children and innocent people are dying of hunger, starvation and war in the Congo, Palestine, and everywhere?
Everything felt futile, in light of global injustice.

I kept taking deep breaths, telling myself, “I don’t know.”

There is a temptation to numb ourselves in our own bubble, and tell ourselves that at least it’s not burning where we are, as if someone else’s humanity is not connected to our own.

Anyways, I let myself feel.
I cried it out.
I let myself sit in the rage and anger.
I journaled and prayed through it, when the language found itself to me.

Over the years, chronic illness taught me to surrender the deadline I tend to impose on my feelings of restlessness and anguish. So I kept reminding myself to do just that… let it out every time the impulse would flare up.

I let myself feel the tension of the global grief while intentionally seeking the God of Hope, for me that’s the God of the Bible. To be honest, I wasn’t seeking for understanding, but I was seeking for peace that surpasses it to keep me grounded and moving forward.

Proverbs 3:4-5 writes:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
    do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
    and he will show you which path to take.

I think sometimes the reason why our helplessness makes us feel weak is because we recognize how fragile, weak, and limited we are in light of the world and the scale of our troubles. But to me, this verse reminds me that I don’t need to depend on my understanding to move forward. Sometimes the answer to our why will not come, but it is not a requirement to keep going.

So, here’s to extending more grace and gentleness on ourselves as we figure out how to baby step forward, and moving, even without understanding.

Thank you for not unsubscribing.

All of this processing, did some good. I have more words brewing that I am looking forward to pouring out.

With Love,

Medgine